"Breakout"

Another strange but true tale from  la vie de la bohème by Dan Leo

Illustrations and additional dialogue by rhoda penmarq, exclusively for quinnmartinmarq™ productions

This episode brought to you by the Husky Boy™ Tobacco Co.

"Whenever I find myself at an impasse in my writing, my solution is to go to my window, and, gazing out at the mighty city, to light up a rich and flavorful Husky Boy cigarette (composed of the finest Virginia tobaccos); invariably, as if by magic, and before I have even half finished my smoke, a solution to my literary quandary has presented itself, and I return to my typewriter ready to forge boldly ahead into the unknown." – Horace P. Sternwall, author of the new "Johnny Legato" mystery, A Dame Without Shame.

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This is it, thought Milford. I am in hell. I don't know how I got here, and I don't remember dying, but I am in hell. "And so," said the fat man called Big Daddy, "if you two gentlemen will be so kind as to accompany me." "No," said Milford. "What'd you just say?" said the man at the podium. "I said no," said Milford. "How fucking dare you," said the guy. He pointed the old-fashioned key attached to the dirty rabbit's foot at Milford. "You are cruising for a bruising, punk."  "Well, fuck you," said Milford. "What'd you just say?" "I said fuck you," said Milford. "Oh, boy," said the podium guy, and he turned to Addison. "You better talk to your little boyfriend, fella. You better talk to him quick." "What do you want me to say to him?" asked Addison. "I want you to tell him that he is putting himself into a world of trouble. And pain. A whole fucking universe of trouble and pain." Addison took a drag from his cigarette, which had now burnt down to its last inch and a half, but he always smoked his cigarettes down to the last half-inch at least. "I am waiting," said the podium man. Addison slowly exhaled a gentle cloud of Chesterfield smoke before responding. "In the words of Melville's Bartleby," said Addison at last, "I would prefer not to." "Who the fuck is Melville's Bartleby?" said the podium man. "All right," interposed the fat man, tapping an inch of cigar ash to the floor. "We have tried to be patient with you two. But you have forced our hands. I will give you both one more chance to come peacefully with me to my table, like the consummate douchebags you are, where we will sit and drink and talk shite, or, alternatively, we shall be forced to, in your parlance, 'play rough'." "I say we play rough right now, Big Daddy," said the podium guy. He was now gripping the rabbit's foot in his fist, with the jagged key protruding between the knuckles of his index and middle fingers like the tip of a miniature halberd. "Just give me the go-ahead, please." "Not yet, Cerberus," said the fat man. "But stand at the ready." "Oh, I'm ready," said the podium man. "I am so ready. I'd like to ram this key right into this little twerp's eye socket, and twist it around." "Oh, please," said Milford. "Please what?" said the podium guy. "You don't look that tough to me," said Milford.  "What?" "I mean, I'm a total weakling, and have never won a fight in my life, but you look like an only partially re-animated corpse." "Oh, wow," said the podium guy. "Just you wait." "Okay," said Milford. "I'll wait." "I'm gonna come around from this podium and show you how animated a corpse I am." "What are you waiting for?" "All I'm waiting for is the word from Big Daddy." "So you take your orders from him?" "Yes. I do." "Why?" "Why? Because he's Big Daddy, why do you think why?" "So you do everything this fat tub of lard tells you to do?" "Oh, man," said the podium guy. He turned to the fat man. "Big Daddy, did you hear what he just called you?" "I did," said the fat man. The podium man turned back to Milford. "That was extremely hurtful," he said. "You shouldn't talk about Big Daddy that way." "I shouldn't call him a fat tub of lard?" Addison snorted, and coughed, then looked at his cigarette. "What are you laughing at, wise guy?" the podium man said to Addison. "Well," said Addison, "you have to admit that 'fat tub of lard' is a not inaccurate description of Mr. Big Daddy." "Oh, boy," said the podium man. "I'll have you know, sir," said the fat man to Addison, "that I may be somewhat heavyset, but if I choose to set upon you, you will know that you have been set upon." "Do you mean you're going to sit on me?" said Addison. "That would be uncomfortable, I must admit." "Please, Big Daddy," said the podium man. "I beg of you. Just give me the word." "I'll have you also know," said the big man, still addressing Addison, "that I am possessed of a glandular condition which is entirely congenital in nature. And I think it is quite insensitive of you to speak thus so rudely." "You mean my saying that 'fat tub of lard" is an accurate, if figurative, description of you?" "You go too far, sir." "Well, you said that my friend Milford and I are douchebags, what did you expect?" "Even a douchebag must observe some proprieties, sir." "I can only assume," said Addison, "that you are a past master of the proprieties of douchebags." "Very well," said the fat man. "Enough badinage. I give you two gentlemen – and I use that term in its most liberal sense – I give you two 'gentlemen' one supernumerary but absolutely final chance to avoid physical violence and to come peacefully with me." Addison took a drag from what was left of his Chesterfield, looked at its glowing stub, and then flicked it into the fat man's eye, who dropped his cigar and clapped his enormous hands to his face while staggering backwards and emitting a great roar. "Big Daddy!" screamed the podium guy, coming around and embracing the fat man. "Big Daddy!" The fat man emitted another great roar, like that of a rhinoceros fatally wounded by a great white hunter's high-powered rifle.  Milford noticed that the podium guy had left his key and its rabbit's foot on the ledge of his podium. Quickly he grabbed it and went to the door. The fat man continued to roar, while the podium man embraced what he could of his enormous torso. "Big Daddy!" whined the podium man again. "Addison!" shouted Milford. Addison turned.  "Yes?" Milford had successfully inserted the key into the lock, and had opened the door. "Come on," said Milford. "Oh, right," said Addison. He turned and looked again at the roaring fat man and the podium guy embracing him and crying the fat man's name. "Addison!" said Milford again. "Yes, I'm coming," said Addison, and he turned and hurried through the doorway. Leaving the key in the lock, and with one last glance at the bellowing fat man and his whining minion, Milford followed Addison, pulling the door shut behind him. "Which way?" said Milford. "Does it matter?" said Addison. "No," said Milford, and they ran down the dim hallway to the right (or was it to the left?) and kept running until they ran out of breath not two minutes later.

"Forever"

Another sad but true tale from  la vie de la bohème by Dan Leo

Illustrations and additional dialogue by rhoda penmarq, exclusively for quinnmartinmarq™ productions

This episode brought to you by the Husky Boy™ Tobacco Corporation

"Yes, spring is here, and what better way to heighten the pleasure of a healthy stroll through the teeming city streets than with a Husky Boy King Size Benzo-Tip™ cigarette?" – Horace P. Sternwall, your host of the Husky Boy Benzo-Tip™ Radio Variety Hour, broadcast exclusively on the DuMont Radio Network  

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Milford tried the knob again, but it wouldn't turn. Then he tried pulling on it, to no avail. He turned around. "I think this door is locked," he said. "No shit, Sherlock," said the man at the podium. "But we want to leave," said Milford. "Maybe you shouldn't have come in here in the first place," said the guy at the podium. "What the fuck," said Milford. "Hey, watch your language, buddy," said the podium man. Addison addressed the enormous fat man. "Look, can we please just leave? We have some ladies who are waiting for us." "Ladies?" said the fat man. "I find that hard to believe." "Well, it's true, believe it or not," said Addison. "Very well, I don't believe it then." "Ha ha, good one, Big Daddy," said the podium guy. And now he turned to Milford. "Did you hear that, sonny? Big Daddy don't believe him. And neither do I." "We don't care what you believe," said Milford. "Now please unlock this door and let us leave." "Or what?" said the podium man. "Or – or –" said Milford. "Or –" "Or nothing, you little dweeb," said the podium man. "You and your boyfriend gonna make us let you out? Go ahead and try. Go ahead. I dare you, dipshit." "Okay, Cerberus," said the man who was apparently called Big Daddy. "No need to threaten violence. Not yet, anyway." "But punks like this piss me off, boss." "They piss me off, too, Cerberus." "Look," said Addison. "We're sorry, we really are. We meant no trouble." "Well, I'm glad to hear that," said the fat man. "But we really are expected elsewhere, by some good ladies." "Prostitutes?" "No," said Addison, "these are nice ladies, and we left them in this other bar, and –" "Why don't you just say you want to leave?" said Big Daddy. "I think we did say that," said Addison. "I mean," said Big Daddy, "why didn't you just say you want to leave without making up this fairy tale about how some nice 'ladies' are waiting for you?" "Um," said Addison. "Okay," said Milford. "Look, if it will make you happy, we'll say that. 'We just want to leave.' Okay?" "Well, that's better," said Big Daddy. "A little better," said the podium guy. "Great," said Addison. "And we're really sorry about the misunderstanding. Right, Milford?" "Yes," said Milford. "So now can we go?" "No," said Big Daddy. "Why not?" "My dear young fellow, is it not obvious?" "No, it's not obvious," said Milford. "But it must be obvious to you, Mathewson," said the fat man to Addison. "You who are older, and one might presume, possibly wiser, or at least less obtuse." "No," said Addison. "I confess that none of this is obvious to me in the slightest. And by the way, my name is not Mathewson –" "Don't correct Big Daddy," said the man at the podium. "But my name is not –" "Look," said the big man, "whatever your name is – or, more likely, whatever your pseudonym or alias might be, I think there's one inalienable truth we may all agree on." "Is there?" said Addison. "Yes," said the fat man. "Do I have to say what it is?" "Please do," said Addison. "The one thing we can all agree on is that you two are a pair of prime, one might say extreme, one might say quintessential – can you guess what I'm going to say?" "Oh, fuck this," said Milford. "No, fuck you, punk," said the podium guy. "If I may continue," said the fat man. "The one thing we can all agree on is that you two fellows are supreme examples of that which men call – guess." "I don't know," said Addison. "He knows," said the podium guy. And he addressed Addison. "You know." "Fuck this," Milford repeated. "Hey, kid, I ain't gonna warn you again," said the podium man. "Look," said Addison, to the fat man, "I don't mean to be rude, but can you just say whatever it is you want to say and get it over with?" "Certainly I can," said the huge man. "Why? Do you want me to?" "Yes," said Addison." "You want me to come right out and say it?" "Oh, Christ," said Milford. "You," said the podium guy, pointing to Milford. "Do not make me come around from this podium." "It's all right, Cerberus," said the big man. "They want to hear what I have to say, so I will tell them." "Tell 'em good, Big Daddy." The fat man took a good draw on his enormous cigar and then slowly exhaled a great cloud of smoke. He tapped the cigar's ash with one of his sausage-like fingers, and then spoke. "What I have to say is simply this," he said.  He paused, as the world crashed and roared all around him. "Yes?" said Addison. "You're douchebags," said the fat man. "What?" said Addison. "You heard him," said the podium man. "Douchebags, douchebag." "Okay," said Milford. "Great. We're douchebags. Now, can you please unlock the door and let us out of here." "Sure we can," said the big man. "Right, Cerberus?" "That's right, Big Daddy," said the podium guy. He reached into his suit jacket and took out an old-fashioned key attached to a dirty-looking rabbit's foot. "I got the key, right here." "Super," said Addison. "It was very nice meeting you, both, and now –" "Sure we can unlock the door," said the fat man. "But." "But what?" said Addison. "But just because we can doesn't mean we will." "Ha ha," said the podium man. "Good one, Big Daddy. You hear that, punk?" he said to Milford. "Just because we can don't mean we will. You hear that?" "Yes, I heard it," said Milford. "And so, now, if you will, gentlemen," said the fat man, "please accompany me." "Where?" said Milford. "To my table." "What for?" said Milford. "To talk, to chat," said the big man. "To have a libation or two. On the house I might add." "But we don't want to," said Milford. "Watch it, twerp," said the podium guy, pointing the key at Milford. "Don't make me warn you again, again." "But we just want to leave," said Milford. "Oh really?" said the fat man. He addressed Addison. "And do you also wish to leave, sir?" "To be quite honest, yes," said Addison. "You mean to say you are turning down free drinks?" "I know this might sound slightly fantastic," said Addison, "but yes." "You're actually saying you don't want to sit and chat congenially like gentlemen, and drink for free?" "For free?" "Absolutely free, gratis, and for nothing." "Just chat?" "Chat and drink, yes." "For free?" "On the house." "Well, for how long?" "Addison," said Milford. "Well, I was just wondering how long Mister, uh –" "Big Daddy," said Big Daddy. "I was just wondering how long Mr. Big Daddy wanted to chat for?" "But the ladies," said Milford. "Ladies, ha," said the podium guy. "I'm sure the ladies will still be there," said Addison, "if we're not too long." He addressed the fat man again. "So how long did you want to chat for?" "How long you ask?" "Yes," said Addison. "I mean, I guess we could stay for a quick drink, but only a quick one, maybe two –" "How long you ask?" said the fat man. "Yes," said Addison. "I mean, we I guess we could stay fifteen minutes or so –" "Addison," said Milford. "How long?" said Big Daddy. "Yes," said Addison. "Like, for how long?" "How about forever?" said the fat man.  "Ha ha," said the podium guy. "What?" said Addison. "I think you heard me," said the fat man. Addison and Milford said nothing for the moment, as the noise of harsh laughter and the babble of shouting roiled continuously over them on thick waves of smoke and as a jukebox blared a popular song from twenty years previous.

"Welcome to the Club"

Another true tale from  la vie de la bohème by Dan Leo

Illustrations and additional dialogue by rhoda penmarq, exclusively for quinnmartinmarq™ productions

This episode brought to you by the Husky Boy™ Tobacco Corporation

"What better way to greet a bracingly cold, slightly drizzly late-March morning than to step out onto one's fire escape, and, while gazing out over the great awakening city, to light up a King Size Husky Boy Benzo-Tip™?" – Horace P. Sternwall, author of the "stirring"* new novel Savage Streets of Doom

*Flossie Flanagan, The New York Federal-Democrat

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A hand-painted signifier on the lintel, faintly illuminated by a stained fixture in the wall above it, read "The D.B. Club"  "This isn't the right place," said Milford. "Yes, but it's a place," said Addison. "Any place is a place," said Milford. "Your point is well taken," said Addison, taking out his Chesterfields, "but by 'place' I mean it's not the maze of dimly lit or completely dark corridors in which we have just been wandering these past thirty minutes." "Let's go." "Wait. Let's go in here, and maybe they can tell us how to get back to the Negro bar and to our lady friends." "I don't know –" "What do we have to lose?" "Our sanity?" "My dear chap," said Addison, "how can we lose something we do not possess?" "Look how dirty this door is," said Milford. It was true. The door was coated with cracked and peeling paint which might once have been a bright Kelly green, but was now reminiscent of nothing less than dried vomit. "A lot of these venerable old establishments have unprepossessing exteriors." "What's that little sign say?" Milford referred to a small placard on the door, on which cursive words had been painted on a grey background. The words were barely legible in the dim light, but the two companions stepped closer to decipher them, which were If you be the person all deride as an example of idiocy, and not without good reason, turn the knob and come inside to where douchebaggery is always in season. "Well," said Addison, having lighted a cigarette and tossed the match to the floor, "if that isn't an invitation I don't know what is." There was knob on the door, and he turned it. "Wait," said Milford. "For what?"  "Maybe we really should just keep walking, and look for that other place –" "My dear Milford, what's the worst that can happen if we just go inside and inquire for directions?" Milford in the space of three seconds thought of several possibilities, each worse than the one previous, but he left these misgivings unvoiced, and, sighing, for the twelve-thousandth and thirty-third time since he had last been unconscious, he said simply, "All right. Open the door." Inside of course was a bar, another bar, another crowded smoky bar that seemed to extend to infinity, and blaring jukebox music and the humming and babble of voices enveloped our friends like a wave eternally crashing. There was a man sitting at a podium to the right of the entrance. "Hi there, fellas," said the man. His face was the color of an old potato sack, and he wore a faded brown suit and a dull garnet bowtie. His hair was thin and strangely black. He had horn-rimmed glasses that magnified his eyes, which looked like the eyes of a dead octopus. "First time here, huh?" "Yes," said Addison. "So you're interested in membership." "Well, actually," said Addison, "we were –" "You two young fellas look like just the sort of guys we're looking for. And just between you and me and the wall we could use some fresh blood in this joint, ha ha." "Well, really," said Addison, "we just stopped in to ask –" "Allow me if I may, as part of our screening process, to ask you two good gentlemen a few questions." "Um, excuse me –" said Milford. "You," said the potato-sack man, to Milford, "judging by your peacoat, your newsboy's cap, the round Trotskyite spectacles, the Hemingwayesque fisherman's sweater –" he leaned over the edge of the podium to take in the lower part of Milford's corporeal host, "the dungarees and the scuffed workman's brogans, I'm going to say you're a poet. Am I right?" Milford hung his head, and said nothing. "Ha ha, I'm right," said the man. "And you, sir," he said, addressing Addison, "the baggy colorless old suit and crumpled fedora that a maiden aunt probably bought for you when first you went off to an inglorious and disgracefully truncated college career, the general air of ill-fed dissipation, you, my good man, are obviously a novelist." "Bingo," said Addison. "Now, as I was saying–" "So far so good," said the man. "Now, the million dollar question. Have either of you published?" He looked from Addison to Milford, and then back to Addison. "Well, uh –" said Addison, "the thing is, I'm still rather in the beginning stages of working on my novel, which I envision as a true American epic in the tradition of  –" "I thought so," said the man. "How about you, buddy?" he said, cocking his head at Milford. "Any poems in small fly-by-night literary quarterlies?"  "Well, I haven't really submitted much yet thus far," said Milford. "I'll take that as a no, then," said the man. "Okay, you're both accepted, provisionally, as members of 'the club'." "Great," said Addison. "So, as I was saying–" "That'll be a buck apiece. Oh, and I'll also need your names or at least your noms de plume for our official roster." "Look," said Addison, "we appreciate it, I think I speak for my friend here, but we actually just just came in here to ask for directions." "Yeah, sure, that's what they all say," said the man. "Listen pal, don't try to bullshit a bullshitter. You know you're a douchebag and I know you're douchebag, and we both sure as hell know your little pal here is a douchebag, and that's why you're both here. Welcome to the Douchebag Club, and like I said, that'll be a buck apiece." "Wait a minute," said Milford. "We don't want to join your club." "You telling me you and your boyfriend here ain't douchebags?" "I'm not saying anything of the sort, I'm only saying we don't want to join your club." "Yes," added Addison, "and if you would have only had allowed me to finish a sentence –" "Oh, wow," said the man. "What do you mean, 'Wow,'" said Addison. "I mean, 'Wow, you two really are a couple of douchebags, aren't you?' I mean, even by my standards, which, believe me, are quite liberal, that's how long I been working here, you two really are a pair of prime douchebags." An enormous fat man came over, holding an enormous cigar. "We got a problem here, Cerberus?" "Just a couple of real prime douchebags," said the man at the podium. The big fat man took a look at our two friends. "They sure look like prime douchebags." He had an English accent, but it might have been an affected one. "So what's the trouble, fellows?" "We only came in here to ask for directions," said Milford. "Bullshit," said the man at the podium. "Be cool, Cerberus," said the big fat man, and he took the measure again of the two friends. "They call me Big Daddy," said the big man. "And I know a couple of fellow prime douchebags when I see 'em. What are your names, chums?" "Well, they call me Addison," said Addison, "but my real name is –" "Pleased to meet you, Addison," said the big man. "Put 'er there." He extended his enormous fat hand, like the paw of a rhinoceros. Addison was unable by constitution to refuse a handshake, and so he allowed his thin hand to be enveloped in the fat man's fat hand, which squeezed his own just up to the point of pain, but then allowed it to escape. "And you," said the big man called Big Daddy to Milford. "What's your moniker, young fella?" "Milford?" said Milford. "You don't sound too sure." "It's Milford." "And may I take your lily-white hand in a firm grasp of potential friendship, Milford, if that is indeed your name?" "Please don't crush it." "I'll try not to." Milford extended his small hand and in turn allowed it to be swallowed up in the man called Big Daddy's paw, and at the very verge of screaming in agony, his small hand was allowed to be pulled away. "Follow me, gentlemen," said the big man called Big Daddy. "But," said Addison. "Yes, but," said Milford. "We just want directions," said Addison. "Yes," said Milford. "I will give you directions," said the big man, "if that's what you want. I will give you very detailed directions. I'll give you directions to any place you want to go. I will even draw you a map. If that's what you want. Now come with me." "They didn't pay their membership fees yet," said the man at the podium. "Don't worry about that now," said the man called Big Daddy.  "I'm sure they're good for it." "Look, I think we're just going to leave," said Addison. "Thanks anyway." "Yeah, thanks," said Milford, and he turned around, went to the door and turned the doorknob. The door wouldn't open.