"All About Janet"

Another fable of the literary life by Dan Leo

Illustrations by the illustrious rhoda penmarq

A penmarqhaus™/leodelion™ production

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“I ain’t never even been in a joint like this,” said the lovely Janet, who by occupation was a waitress at Bob’s Bowery Bar, a colorful caravanserai at the northwest corner of Bleecker and the Bowery. “You they might let in, but me they’re gonna throw out on my goddam ear.” “Don’t worry about it,” said Hector Philips Stone, the doomed romantic poet. “Half the staff in this hotel probably come from worse neighborhoods than you do.” “There ain’t no neighborhood worse than my neighborhood, and as soon as I open my trap they’re gonna tell me to get my narrow ass back to the slums where I belong.” “A,” said Hector, “your ass is far from narrow –” “Hey, what’re you saying –” “And B, when you open your mouth just talk like one of the actresses in those movies you love so much.” “What, like Ann Sheridan?” “More like Bette Davis say.” “Like Bette Davis?” “Yes, but in one of her more upper-crusty sort of roles.” “How about like Bette Davis in All About Eve.” “Sure, great, just talk the way Bette Davis does in All About Eve.” “I musta seen that movie thirty times.” “Must have seen.” “Right. Must have seen. Okay. What the hell, let’s do this, sonny Jim.” They went across the lobby to the entrance to the dining room, checked their coats and Hector’s hat, and then walked up to the maître d'hôtel’s little podium. “May I help you?” said the man, looking Hector and Janet up and down and up again. “Yes,” said Hector. “We’re here to meet Mr. Julian Smythe.” Suddenly the man’s face opened up.  “Ah, Mr. Smythe! Yes, of course, follow me please.” He grabbed two menus and headed into the dining room, and Hector and Janet followed him to a round table that could have seated six, but which was set for only three. The man pulled a chair out for Janet, something that had never happened to her before in her life. “Would you care for a cocktail while you’re waiting for Mr. Smythe?” “Yes, two dry sherries, please,” said Hector. The man bowed and went away. “What a snob,” said Janet. “He’s lucky I didn’t slam him across the jaw with my purse with that look he gave us. And sherry? Since when do you drink sherry?” “It’s comme il faut in this sort of place. Try it, you’ll like it.” “I think I’d rather have a shot of Cream of Kentucky, I’m that nervous.” “Relax. Look, this guy Smythe is just a human being, no different from you or me.” “You or me ain’t publishers of a big book company.” “You and I aren’t.” “Yeah, right, what you said.” Suddenly a tall good-looking young man with shiny dark hair loomed up out of nowhere. “So terribly sorry I’m late! I’m Julian Smythe, and you must be Mr. Stone. Please don’t get up.”  He reached across the table extending a very large hand, and Hector took it in his own thin and medium-sized hand. “And this must be your lovely literary agent?” “That’s me,” said Janet, and she extended her hand the way ladies in movies did, palm downward. “Julian Smythe.” He brushed the knuckles of her hand with his lips. “But please call me Julian.” “Call me Janet, Julian.” “Charmed, I’m sure, Janet. My God, Stone, how ever did you find such an attractive young woman to represent you?” “He’s just lucky,” said Janet, and she realized she was talking like Bette Davis. “I’ll say he’s lucky,” said Julian, and he sat down. “Have you ordered drinks?” “Sherry,” said Hector. “Sherry?” said Julian. “I won’t hear of it.” He turned his head to his left and like magic a small nervous-looking waiter was there. “Benjie, do me an enormous favor, old man, and cancel my friends’ orders for sherry, and have Jean-Claude make us three absolutely arctically cold Manhattans.” “You betcha, Mr. Smythe.” “I like a nice bourbon in my Manhattan,” said Julian. “That okay with you two?” “I should love Cream of Kentucky in mine,” said Janet, now in full Bette Davis mode. “Cream of Kentucky it shall be then,” said Julian. “Right away,” Mr. Smythe, said Benjie. And Julian turned and gazed at Janet. So it was that Smythe & Son, Publishers, who commonly advanced a first-time author no more than a hundred dollars, if that, wound up giving Hector Philips Stone an advance of one thousand dollars for his book of poems, tentatively titled Love Songs of the Damned.    next story

a couple of colorful characters

story by horace p sternwall

art by danny delacroix and eddie el greco

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“you wanted to see me, max?” flossie flanagan, the ace investigative reporter for the new york federal-democrat, “joe stalin’s favorite new york paper”, asked . max malmberg, the managing editor of the federal-democrat, looked up from the pad he was doodling on, and sighed. “yes, i did, flossie. have a seat.” “is this going to take long?” “well, maybe not, maybe not. it’s about jasper.” jasper mccarthy was a cub reporter that max had hired as a favor to his old friend fred mccarthy, a comrade in the abraham lincoln brigade. jasper had not seemed a promising recruit, and had more than lived up to his lack of promise. “oh, no. is he in trouble again, or do you just want me to help you get rid of him? “ "ha, ha, well, if i have to get rid of him, i am not such a rat as all that, i will do it myself and not shove it off on anybody else.” “so - ?” max couldn’t look flossie in the eye. “i’ve decided to give jasper - one more chance.” “hasn’t he had a few already?” “this is the last one, i promise,” max tried to smile. “why promise me? where do i come in?” “all i want is for you to give him a tip - maybe just one idea for a story? just one? please, flossie, as a favor to myself.” “sure, max, i’ll do you a favor. no need to get all lionel barrymore about it. just send him over to my desk. i should be in for the rest of the afternoon.” “thank you, flossie.” * “here we are,” flossie told jasper. “here” was the sidewalk outside a bar on houston street. faded lettering on the window proclaimed it to be - in fairly large red letters - “henry’s” - and in smaller green letters - “horseplayers bar “ and “est. 1879”. there were no signs advertising a particular brand of beer, or indicating whether the establishment served food or provided any form of entertainment, or anything about it at all. “i could have walked past this place a hundred times and never noticed it,” jasper said. “exactly,” flossie answered. “so is there something here i don’t see?” “i don’t think so. but why don’t you go inside?” “are there - are there some colorful characters inside? is that why you brought me here, to write a human interest story about some colorful characters?” “no, there are no colorful characters,” flossie said. “ that’s the point of the story - a bar with no colorful characters, no bartenders dispensing wisdom, no sad old floozies who used to light up broadway, none of that. i always had the idea to maybe on a slow day to write a story about such a place, and now, as a favor to max, i give you the idea. get it?” “o k, i get it.” jasper hesitated. “are you going to come inside with me?” “no, why would i do that? it’s your story now. good night, jasper.” and flossie walked off in the direction of broadway. i might as well go through with it, jasper thought. he entered the bar. it was dim. very dim. at first jasper thought there were no other customers, but then he saw there was one, a man slouched over the bar at the end farthest from the door. jasper took a seat near the door, and the bartender came over to him. “what’ll you have?” jasper decided not to make a show of his knowledge of imported beers, or fine whiskies, and just said, “a dark draft”. “um - do you do a lot of business here?” jasper asked the bartender when he returned with the beer. “some. couldn’t stay in business if we didn’t.” “but some nights more than others, eh?” “you might say that.” jasper took the plunge. “do any colorful characters come in here?” the bartender did not seemed surprised by the question, or annoyed by it, but just shrugged. “depends what you mean by colorful. there’s willie down at the end of the bar, you could ask him how colorful he is.” “thank you. i’ll do that.” jasper, who was not completely uncomfortable talking to strangers, picked up his drink and went and sat down beside the man the bartender had called “willie’. “how do you do?” jasper asked willie. seen up close, willie looked about forty-five years old, with no distinguishing characteristics. “rotten,” willie said, without looking at jasper. “i’m a reporter,” jasper said. he did not add, “for the federal-democrat”, because willie might hate reds, and jasper would have to explain that he hated them too, and only worked for the federal-democrat because he needed the job blah blah… on the other hand maybe willie was a red himself… but somehow jasper didn’t think so. willie did not respond to jasper’s statement that he was a reporter. “why don’t you tell me something about yourself,” jasper broke the silence. “i’m the unluckiest guy who ever lived.” this was promising! “is there any particular reason you are so unlucky?” “i just am. take my word for it.” “what was the unluckiest thing that ever happened -“ “get lost.” “all right, my friend, sorry to have troubled you.” jasper looked up and saw that another customer had come in, and was sitting near the door. jasper got up and took a seat beside the newcomer., who might have been willie’s twin brother. “good evening,” jasper greeted him. “what’s good about it?” “i’m a reporter.” this guy didn’t look like a red either, so jasper didn’t mention the federal-democrat. no response. “what’s your name?” jasper asked. “sam.” “how are you feeling tonight, sam?” “sad.” “i am sorry to hear that.” “not as sorry as me. i’m the sorriest, saddest guy that ever lived.” “any particular reason?” “nothing ever happens to me.” jasper soldiered on. “want to tell me about it?” “nothing to tell, if nothing ever happens, is there?” jasper gave up. i am not cut out for this, he thought, these guys might open up to some people, like flossie, but not to me. he decided to go home to his lonely room and work on his novel. jasper’s novel was about a young man named desmond “dez” daugherty who graduates from yale and travels in south america and falls in love with the beautiful young wife of a sadistic dictator. it just isn’t meant to be, and dez barely escapes with his life. but dez can not forget her, and he wanders the world from tangiers to tasmania, the unluckiest and the saddest guy who ever lived. next story

"Ernest and Bill"

A fable of the literary life by Dan Leo

Profusely illustrated by the illustrious rhoda penmarq

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One rainy day in early April a big guy wearing a trench coat and a fedora came into the bar and took a stool. He had a salt-and-pepper beard and he looked to be about fifty. “Can I help you?” said Bob. The bearded man pointed at the hand-painted sign above the mirror. TRY OUR BASEMENT BREWED HOUSE BOCK “You really brew your own bock beer in the basement?” “Sure do.” “Okay, I’ll take a flyer.” “Eight-ounce glass, twelve-ounce schooner, or imperial pint.” “Would you be offended if I started off with just a glass?” “Not at all.” “Okay, I’ll try a glass.” Bob got him a glass of bock from the tap. “That’ll be a dime.” “Sure.” The stranger took out his wallet and put a ten on the bar. When Bob brought him his change the man said, “Hey, this is pretty good bock. It reminds me of the bock I drank back when I was young, skiing in the Harz Mountains of Germany: cold, rich, thick, and strong. With notes of the native spruce trees and peat bogs.” “Glad you like it.” The big man pointed to Bob’s ring. “Marine corps?” “Twenty years.” “The fighting leathernecks.” “Yeah.” “Got nothing but respect for you guys,” said the big guy. “Hemingway’s the name. What’s your name, pal?” “Bob.” “Pleased to meet you, Bob. Ernest is my first name.” “Pleased to meet you, Ernest.” “Maybe you’ve read my some of my books. Ernest Hemingway?” “Oh, right, yeah, I’ve heard of you.” “Ever read any of my stuff?” “I don’t think so.” “Well, anyway, your bock is really good.” “Thanks.” Just then a little guy in a tan raincoat and carrying a black umbrella came in the joint. He folded up the umbrella and looked around. He was fifty or so, he had a thick moustache, and he wore a Panama hat on his head. He walked over to where Ernest Hemingway sat. “As I live and breathe,” said the moustached man. “Jesus Christ,” said Hemingway. “Wild Bill! Sit down, buddy. I don’t believe it.” The moustached man climbed up on the stool to the left of Hemingway, and hooked his umbrella on the edge of the bar.  “Hey, Bob,” said Hemingway, “want you to meet an old friend of mine – Bill Faulkner.” “Hi, Bill,” said Bob. “What’re you drinking, Bill?” said Hemingway. “What’s that you got there, Ernie?” “It’s the basement-brewed house bock, really good.” “Okay, I’ll try one, and a shot of bourbon. You got any Cream of Kentucky, Bob?” “Sure.” “Then I’ll take a glass of your house bock and a shot of Cream of Kentucky, on my father here.” “Ha ha,” said Hemingway, “same old Bill. Hey, Bob, give me another glass of bock too, and I guess I’ll have one of those Cream of Kentuckys myself.” “Excuse me,” said Philip, who was sitting to Hemingway’s right. “I couldn’t help but overhearing. But – Ernest Hemingway and William Faulkner?” “How come I get second billing?” said Bill. “Ha ha,” said Hemingway. “Heh heh,” said Philip. “This is such an honor to meet you both. My name is Philip.” “Hi, Philip,” said Hemingway. “Pleased to meet you,” said Faulkner. “Such an honor,” said Philip. “I think you two gentlemen are probably our two greatest living American authors.” “We won’t ask which one is the greater,” said Bill. “Ha ha,” said Philip. Bob came over with the two glasses of bock, and he poured out two shots of Cream of Kentucky. “Hey, Bob,” said Bill. “Give Philip there whatever he’s drinking, on me.” “Thanks, Mr. Faulkner,” said Philip. “I guess I’ll take another Manhattan, Bob.” Philip had an almost full Manhattan in his hand, but he lifted it up, drained it, and put it down. “So you’ve actually read our stuff, Philip?” said Hemingway. “Oh, of course I have,” said Philip. “My God.” “What’s your favorite?” “Of your books, Mr. Hemingway?” “Yeah.” “That’s a hard one,” said Philip. “I agree,” said Bill. “That’s a very hard one. But I’ll give you a tip. It probably didn’t come out any sooner than twenty years ago.” “Ha ha,” said Hemingway. “Very funny. Go ahead, Philip, what’s your favorite?” “Wow, gun to my head?” “Gun to your head.” “Okay, I’m going to say The Grapes of Wrath.” “Oh, wow,” said Bill. “I loved that book,” said Philip. “It was just so moving. And, like, a really trenchant study of the poor working classes of our country.” “Oh, wow,” said Bill, again. “Do you agree, Mr. Faulkner?” said Philip. “Oh, absolutely,” said Bill. “Grapes of Wrath. Magnificent novel.” Bob came over and poured out a fresh Manhattan for Philip. “Out of here, Bob,” said Bill, and he shoved a ten forward on the bar.  “Thanks, Mr. Faulkner,” said Philip. He picked up the Manhattan and drank half of it in one go, then sighed. “But you know what’s my favorite of your books, Mr. Faulkner?” “I’d love to know,” said Bill. “The Great Gatsby,” said Philip. “Amazing novel.” “The Great Gatsby?” said Bill. “Ha ha,” said Hemingway. “Ha ha. Ha ha ha.” next story

"A Mob of Loners"

Another fable of the streets by Dan Leo

Profusely illustrated by the illustrious rhoda penmarq

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The Bleecker Street Boys weren’t the biggest mob on the Lower East Side, not by a long shot, but they were the most feared, for the simple reason that none of them cared if he lived or died. They were the hardest of the hard cases, and they didn’t like anybody, not even themselves. When they weren’t planning or pulling off a job they never hung out together.  The nominal boss of the gang, Georgie “Gaga” O’Reilly went home to the flat he shared with his mom, and read cowboy novels to pass the time.  Petie “Peepers” Silverstein spent his free time playing poker, and losing as much as he won, not that he cared either way; he just liked playing poker.  Albert “Uncle Albie” Albogino, the oldest of the mob at the age of thirty-three, liked to play handball against a warehouse wall, all by himself, all day.  Stevie  “Slick” Slivovitz sat in Washington Square Park all day, playing chess with himself. If it was raining or snowing he sat in the back booth at Ma’s Diner at Bleecker and the Bowery, playing chess with himself. Howard “Hobie” Hobart pounded the heavy bag for a couple of hours every morning at Gleason’s Gym up in the Bronx, then he would take the Third Avenue El back downtown and drink bock beer at Bob’s Bowery Bar. He always sat at the bar alone, and he talked to no one except to Bob, and precious little to him. Usually everybody left him alone, but one evening Philip the uptown swell had decided to get his load on again and came in and took the stool next to Hobie.  Philip ordered a Manhattan, and when he got it he turned to Hobie. “I think I’ve seen you in here before, fella. Call me Philip.” Hobie looked at Philip but didn’t say anything. “May I know your name, sir?” said Philip. It was a busy Friday night, otherwise Bob would have already intervened by now. He was good at that sort of thing, twenty years in the United States Marine Corps had not been wasted on him. But he was currently engaged in pouring beers and drinks for other customers way down at the other end of the bar, and so there was no one there to suggest to Philip that he cool it before he wound up with a hard left hook to the jaw or worse. “Ah,” said Philip, “you prefer to remain incognito! And I’m sure you have very good reasons for doing so. If I were smart I would also keep myself nameless. If not blameless, ha ha! Nameless but not blameless, no, sir, hardly. Unlike many of the fine people in this splendid caravanserai I freely admit I have no one but myself to blame for a life of dissipation–” “Buddy,” said Hobie, at last. “At your service, sir.” “I like drinking here.” “So also I! A wonderful place! Why –” “I like drinking here so much that I would hate it if Bob would have to bar me from the joint for knocking you off that barstool and then stomping you with my steel-shanked shoes to a bloody pulp.” “I would hate that, too, I assure you.” “Then do us both a favor. Shut the hell up and leave me alone.” “I only wanted a friendly chat.” “I don’t.” “So you really just want to sit there all alone, not talking to anyone?” “That’s exactly what I want.” “But doesn’t it get boring?” “No.” “So you just sit there, staring at those rows of liquor bottles and at the mirror?” “Yeah.” “But what do you think about?” “You don’t want to know what I think about.” “But I do. Please tell me.” “I think about how life is for the birds. I think about what a pain in the ass people are. I think about guys I want to slap around the next time I see ‘em.” “And that’s it?” “After a while I think I’m getting hungry, so I think about what I’m gonna eat.” “Do you eat here?” “Yeah. This is the only place I eat at.” “What do you like to order?”  “The burger with hand-cut fries is good. Sometimes I’ll go for one of Bob’s Mom’s specials.” “Y’know, I’ve been coming here off and on for years, but I’ve never eaten here.” “The specials are always good, and the burger and fries.” Suddenly Philip became aware of the blackboard above the mirror, scrawled with the words TODAY’S SPECIAL BOB’S MOM’S MULLIGAN STEW - 35 CENTS “What about that mulligan stew,” said Philip. “Have you ever tried that?” “Many times,” said Hobey. “And what do you think?” “To die for.” “That good?” “That good.” “Wow, I’m not hungry now, but later maybe I’ll give it a try.” Who was Philip kidding? He never ate when he was on a bender. He probably wouldn’t eat until a day or two after his family’s man that detective Joe Hooley found him again and either dragged him out to his parents’ house in the country or to the rest home, depending on how long the bender lasted. But it was nice at least to think about eating a nice mulligan stew. He remembered suddenly that the nameless fellow had asked to be left alone, and so Philip shut up now, and stared into his drink. For his part Hobie took a drink of his bock and wondered why out of nowhere he had just said more to this chump in a few minutes than he had to anyone, including the guys in his gang, for weeks, maybe months. And the really weird part was that he suddenly realized that he felt like talking to the guy some more, but when he turned and looked at him the guy was staring intently into his drink, as if he were lost in thought, and so Hobie kept his trap shut.  next story